farewell to the one love i've ever believed in
My dearest Ops,
i didn't want to do it but i had to. it brought me great pain to see you suffering and not be able to help you. i've really tried my best, i've loved you with all my heart and will never stop. i battled within myself, trying to decifer what the right thing was to do. ultimately, i was being selfish. i wanted to keep you around cause i couldn't bear the thought of living without you. i had always secretly hoped you'd live forever, the child in me. but that was not to be. not even close. our time together was cut short and i can't help but feel we've been robbed, i've been robbed.
i've always been a firm believer in preserving life. i believe that none of us own the right to take life. but in the same breath, nobody deserves to suffer a slow and painful death. if only you could speak, i'm sure you would have told me so many things about yourself which i misunderstood. i had always been honest with you in the past and whether or not you understood me, never kept me from my incessant gibberish. you always listened and at times looked at me like i was a blooming idiot, you were mostly right! but when i needed it most, you'd put your paw on my chest to remind me of your love for me and it gave me reason to persevere. we had a language of silence, a love with no boundaries and an understanding beyond any normal comprehension. we had each other.
when you got to the vet's you had the notion something wasn't right. if only you could speak...*sigh. you were extremely restless and didn't want to sit still. i tried to explain to you once again, the procedure and what you were to expect. i kept reassuring you that it was going to be painless. perhaps i was merely trying to comfort my own self. your breathing had become more laboured and your eyes were painfully bulging from your shaven, scared face. thats another thing that broke my heart. to see that line of stitches from your nose to your forehead. your once pretty face now hairless and battered.
we waited for a bit in the consult room for the vet to tend to you. i was in no hurry. xiu and wendy came in to say the last goodbye. i asked them to wait outside cause i wanted to be alone with you, just the way its always been from the start. the vet, eugene came in and asked me if i was sure i wanted to go through with it and if i wanted one of the other nurses to assist instead. i ofcourse delcined. i held your vein out as he swabbed it with alcohol (i never really got that. we're about to put an animal to sleep, whats with the sterile bs? *shrug*). he looked at me and i nodded. i started talking to you again, giving you a running commentary on what was about to happen. while fighting back my tears, i kept reassuring you how much i loved you and how sorry i was that i had to put you down. the needle went in and you didn't struggle. slowly, he injected the liquid into your system. you started to feel it after the first 3mls had passed through you. you moved a little and i told you it was ok and to just give in to it and sleep, you did. by the time it was half way through, you'd let your eyelids fall shut but you were still breathing slowly. before we could reach the end of the syringe, you had stopped breathing, i was still whispering in your ear. i held your now lifeless body in my arms and let the pain flow through me. as your last breath left your body, mine filled with an air that choked me. i closed your eyes shut and tucked your tongue nicely in your mouth. still warm... but that was exactly it. your blood was warm but not circulating anymore. i didn't want to let you go as you lay in that dark room, on that cold examintion table. the rest came in after to pay their last respects. it wasn't easy for them either.
thank you my black lackey, for spending your entire life with me and teaching me so much about myself. for all the walks on the beach, car rides, late nights, parties, boat rides... *sigh. name me something that i've done and you'll just be telling a story bout how you spent 'that' time with me. you've always been there but, will no longer physically... that don't change my love and respect for you. i know you're still watching over me. farewell my friend, play friendly with your new friends in doggy heaven. i'll see you another time.
i didn't want to do it but i had to. it brought me great pain to see you suffering and not be able to help you. i've really tried my best, i've loved you with all my heart and will never stop. i battled within myself, trying to decifer what the right thing was to do. ultimately, i was being selfish. i wanted to keep you around cause i couldn't bear the thought of living without you. i had always secretly hoped you'd live forever, the child in me. but that was not to be. not even close. our time together was cut short and i can't help but feel we've been robbed, i've been robbed.
i've always been a firm believer in preserving life. i believe that none of us own the right to take life. but in the same breath, nobody deserves to suffer a slow and painful death. if only you could speak, i'm sure you would have told me so many things about yourself which i misunderstood. i had always been honest with you in the past and whether or not you understood me, never kept me from my incessant gibberish. you always listened and at times looked at me like i was a blooming idiot, you were mostly right! but when i needed it most, you'd put your paw on my chest to remind me of your love for me and it gave me reason to persevere. we had a language of silence, a love with no boundaries and an understanding beyond any normal comprehension. we had each other.
when you got to the vet's you had the notion something wasn't right. if only you could speak...*sigh. you were extremely restless and didn't want to sit still. i tried to explain to you once again, the procedure and what you were to expect. i kept reassuring you that it was going to be painless. perhaps i was merely trying to comfort my own self. your breathing had become more laboured and your eyes were painfully bulging from your shaven, scared face. thats another thing that broke my heart. to see that line of stitches from your nose to your forehead. your once pretty face now hairless and battered.
we waited for a bit in the consult room for the vet to tend to you. i was in no hurry. xiu and wendy came in to say the last goodbye. i asked them to wait outside cause i wanted to be alone with you, just the way its always been from the start. the vet, eugene came in and asked me if i was sure i wanted to go through with it and if i wanted one of the other nurses to assist instead. i ofcourse delcined. i held your vein out as he swabbed it with alcohol (i never really got that. we're about to put an animal to sleep, whats with the sterile bs? *shrug*). he looked at me and i nodded. i started talking to you again, giving you a running commentary on what was about to happen. while fighting back my tears, i kept reassuring you how much i loved you and how sorry i was that i had to put you down. the needle went in and you didn't struggle. slowly, he injected the liquid into your system. you started to feel it after the first 3mls had passed through you. you moved a little and i told you it was ok and to just give in to it and sleep, you did. by the time it was half way through, you'd let your eyelids fall shut but you were still breathing slowly. before we could reach the end of the syringe, you had stopped breathing, i was still whispering in your ear. i held your now lifeless body in my arms and let the pain flow through me. as your last breath left your body, mine filled with an air that choked me. i closed your eyes shut and tucked your tongue nicely in your mouth. still warm... but that was exactly it. your blood was warm but not circulating anymore. i didn't want to let you go as you lay in that dark room, on that cold examintion table. the rest came in after to pay their last respects. it wasn't easy for them either.
thank you my black lackey, for spending your entire life with me and teaching me so much about myself. for all the walks on the beach, car rides, late nights, parties, boat rides... *sigh. name me something that i've done and you'll just be telling a story bout how you spent 'that' time with me. you've always been there but, will no longer physically... that don't change my love and respect for you. i know you're still watching over me. farewell my friend, play friendly with your new friends in doggy heaven. i'll see you another time.
posted by epidural at 6:56 pm
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