falling into the darkness

been awhile since i've been in here and nothings really changed in my life. i still lack firm direction, i miss my kids and i continue to drink copious amounts of alchiomohol. i don't sleep enough and eat too much. everyone wants a piece of me and has a go at me when they've got no friggin business to. life's grand ain't it? .......*sigh

yes, yes, choices...... *pffffffffffrrrrrt*

i've been told i'm a hard bitch, emotionless and cold. yea well, you get that and then some. life goes on... with or without me. life is fucking redundant, people are redundant, i am redundant.

i find myself falling into a ditch of redundant, darkness. my life is becoming redundant and i'm letting myself drift into a really dark mindset. i've been here before...

i don't know where i am, i have no idea how i got here. i think i've been here for awhile now. i can't see anyone around. its oh so lonely, haven't seen a soul in centuries. there are no windows or doors. its dark... very very dark. i don't remember how many walls there are. each corner feels like the last. just cold and hard. sometimes it gets so cold the air becomes thin and hard to breathe, then i start sweating. there's a table in the middle of the room with a phone on it. i bump into every now and then when i'm scrambling around the floor. i've picked it up once or twice but the same silence that weighs the air in the room presses against my ear...stale...empty. i know there's something beyond the walls. i've heard voices and laughter before. how i long to share their jokes and smell the air they breathe. the ceiling seems to lower ever so slightly as time lapses. i used to be able to stand in this room but now my head has to tilt to allow my legs a stretch. i used to have a vague structure of time but now everything is one long day overlapping the next. i've heard tapping on the walls but when i open my mouth to answer, i only end up swallowing sand. it makes like a lump in my throat. its extremely uncomfortable and its hard to breathe. i can't remember when it was i last ate but i'm not hungry, don't remember ever feeling thirsty though i've had nothing to drink. i try to walk but there's nowhere to go. i kept tripping on my laces so i took them off. i used to have shoes on but now i can't find my feet. i used to be able to speak so then i ripped my tongue from my mouth.